How to Raise Angry Kids

By Pastor Brady Wolcott

Ephesians 6:4. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

If you want to raise angry kids there are a few simple things you can do to ensure that this happens, and they’re all found right here in this week’s fighter verse.

First- Provoke them.

To have angry kids you can be passive or you can be aggressive. This first word, “provoke” is all about being aggressive. You have to look for their faults and point them out constantly. Irritate them on purpose. Boss them around. Give them things to do that they simply could never do. Blame them for everything, especially things that are your fault. In general just be unreasonable and exhausting.

Second- Neglect them.

The verse tells us that the opposite of provoking to wrath is to “bring them up.” So if you want to have angry kids (and who doesn’t), simply try the passive route and neglect your children. Don’t “bring them up”, in fact, don’t bring them anywhere. Don’t guide them or model life for them. Spend as little time with them as possible.

Or you can try doing everything for them. This strategy works to create co-dependent children who are angry and don’t even know why. Just assume your kids will figure everything out when they turn 21 or go to college. Don’t teach problem solving, or decision making. For goodness sake, never let them do anything where they may fail (this will only make you look bad as a parent).

Oh, and by all means, never, ever, ever, trust them.

Or if you do want to “bring them up” don’t aim for the discipline and instruction of the Lord, rather aim for creating a mini version of yourself. Live your life through them. This is almost guaranteed to create angry kids.

Third- Never combine discipline and instruction.

Discipline OR instruct, but never do both. If you want angry kids, punish them every time they are doing wrong but never tell them why. Or give them tons of instruction without ever holding them accountable.

Regarding discipline, don’t try to be an authority figure. If you want angry kids just let them figure everything out on their own. Also, try being hypocritical. Punish them for the same kinds of behaviors that you display, like getting angry, cussing, or disrespect. And if you do decide to discipline, be as inconsistent as possible. This will definitely produce wrath in your children.

For instruction, try doing all the talking and very little listening to your children. To have angry kids, make sure that all you do is talk at them without ever actually doing anything with them like working or playing together. Keep it all just words, words, words. And by all means, for maximum anger, never hold your child accountable. Warn, then warn again, then warn again but if you want angry children, never act.

Fourth- ignore God.

This should go without saying. Our verse tells us to discipline and instruct “in the Lord.” If you want the angriest kids possible, keep God’s love out of it. Never let them know that God loves them and delights in them. Give them no basis for morality other than your own “because I said so.”

In general law minus grace equals anger. This is your recipe for success at creating angry kids. Forgiveness is weakness. Avoid it. Go to the other extreme and make your children your entire life, not Christ. Eventually you’ll have not just angry kids, but depressed and stressed kids too.

So there you have it, four tips for raising angry children. Basically ignore everything in Ephesians 6:4 and you’ll do fine.

PS: This was satire (please do the opposite).